Luxury Accomodation

“Travelodge-Sleep Tight”. Transl: please ensure you’re alcoholically incapacitated before retiring, as a night on a Travelodge mattress is akin to trying to sleep on an under-inflated bouncy castle that’s slowly drifting out to sea.

Worthing Travelodge, along with their Bath hotel, is known among the cognoscenti for being one of only two- yes, two! Count ‘em!- Travelodges that is distinguished by being in an attractive location. Not for Worthing the dubious charms of sitting snugly by the urban ring-road roundabout, the out of town fly-over, or the Swindon Industrial estate car-park. The Worthing Travelodge is actually located on the sea-front; it even has rooms that OVERLOOK THE SEA! You can stuff yourselves stupid at the breakfast buffet the next day- wear your coat with the deep pockets to breakfast; you might feel a tad self-conscious, but not as uncomfortable as trying to walk nonchalantly out of the bar/cafe with fourteen chocolate muffins tucked under your arm to ensure you’re “getting your money’s worth” from the buffet. You can even go to Brighton and eat somewhere really nice; top tip- the Strada next to the Theatre Royal is excellent, and catered to all manner of requests on a recent visit- not all of them sexual- with genuine goodwill. Almost wish we’d tipped them now…..

Or spend the day in Worthing itself- it’s not every day you’ll find a shop called “Man Gifts: The Shop that sells presents exclusively for men”. This is what was known in my day as a “Toy Shop”, and if you’re having trouble finding somewhere that sells telescopes, remote-controlled planes and ‘Spy-Pens’ under one roof, then your search is over, and you can make your testosterone-fuelled dreams come true for no more than the cost of a ticket to the South Coast.

 ’Jenny’s Fish and Chips’ on the High Street is an excellent place for lunch, so good in fact that the kids ate almost all of their chips before predictably succumbing to the temptation to pelt the seagulls that had surrounded us on the seafront with them; this was followed by the even more predictable sight of them running screaming as the seagulls came wheeling in for the kill at the first sign of food.

If you’re visiting after the Diamond Jubilee, you could also relax on the beach in a deck chair and see if you can spot the new Royal Yacht Britannia slipping by, as it performs its new dual role of providing much-needed sea-going accommodation for our beleaguered Royals whilst simultaneously carrying out vital ‘research’ projects for various educational establishments. The main research it seems to be engaged in right now is to discover just how gob-smackingly crass a gesture a government can make at a time of national economic crisis and still not realise it’s acting inappropriately. Whilst we’re on the subject, here’s an idea: why not spend ALL the £60 million on educational services and let the Royals rub along without a boat, and simply make do with their 52 bedroom principle residence in central London, and the other bijou residences in Windsor and Balmoral. Oh, and Sandringham. If they really need to get a bit of sea air, they could always get a room at a hotel in one of England’s most prominent coastal resorts- if you ring in advance you can even ask for a room with a SEA-VIEW! Might I suggest they bring their own bed, though…..